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Heartbreak, Mourning, Loss, Volume 1: Detach or Die, by Ginette Paris Ph.D.
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The psychosomatic pain of heartbreak and mourning shows neurobiological evidence of stress similar to being submitted to torture. With time, the intensity of the pain may lessen, yet it is false to think that time heals all wounds! Many live the rest of their life with a captive heart, alone in the emotional desert of psychic numbness. The first challenge is to become aware of the instinctual fear that makes us say “if you leave me, I'll-die”. This fear poses a logical problem because to overcome it, you must learn to survive without the partner, which is precisely what you fear! You are like a patient who has been shot by an arrow? Cupid's arrow ?but is afraid to let the doctor pull it out. Living with an arrow sticking out from your chest makes life impossible. Recovery is not, as so many popular self-help books suggest today, an ego decision to move on. Recovery is the opposite of a willful decision, the opposite of an emotional shutting down which only mimics detachment. At the beginning of heartbreak, the brain reacts like that of a drug addict suddenly deprived of his or her drug. The behavior of the love-crazy is similar to that of the addict desperately searching for a fix. Hooked on hope, your brain is in a panic mode. Love is at the core of depressive, suicidal and murderous states. For the brain, lack of love, lack of food, lack of sleep, or a pit bull jumping at you are all kinds of threats. How you respond impacts not only your health but your destiny as well. In other words, either emotional suffering turns on the evolutionary switch, or your emotional shutting will destroy your capacity to love. This book summarizes what you need to learn, and to do to turn on that switch. I wrote from three different points of view. First, as a teacher and researcher in psychology, I spent most of my adult life studying the symptoms of lost love, tortuous love, smothering love, condemning love, controlling love, insufficient love, betrayed love, compulsive love, codependent love. This text is my report from the field: which theories are validated and which are not. Second, I am writing as a therapist who, for many years, listened to the stories of courageous individuals free falling from the summit of love, crashing down into the relational desert of mourning, grief, and loss. While witnessing their despair, I admired their courage. Love, its presence and absence, quality and quantity, form and essence, nurturing and toxic effects, its bitterness, and sweetness, is at the core of every therapy because love is fundamentally liberating. Love is also easily corrupted. Love develops the brain, but heartbreak transforms an otherwise functional adult into a cognitive dimwit. Love attaches itself to our neurotic traits, which then develop like barnacles on the hull of a boat. And last, I am writing as an individual who has suffered her fair share of heartbreaks. As a young woman, I plunged into the cavernous mouth of that mythical beast we call Love, like a frog jumping into the path of a lawnmower. This humbling experience taught me the contrast between the sweetness of love and the tragedy of remaining innocent about its power.
- Sales Rank: #328127 in Books
- Published on: 2015-12-01
- Format: Large Print
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .57" w x 5.50" l, .64 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 226 pages
About the Author
Ginette Paris Ph.D. is Emeritus professor at Pacifica Graduate Intitute, in Santa Barbara, California. She teaches and lectures in US, Canada and Europe. Her books have been translated in French, Spanish, Italian, German, Portugese and Russian. Paris’s previous book, Wisdom of the Psyche: Depth Psychology after Neuroscience (Routledge 2015) has been acclaimed by Pulitzer nominee James Hillman as "Emotionally personal, immediately useful, surprisingly original, beautifully deep, this page-turning read also turns the page into a new century of psychology."
Most helpful customer reviews
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
There is no quick fix to loss - be it ...
By Lori Pye
There is no quick fix to loss - be it a broken heart, untimely death, loss of home or country, but there is a way through the mourning process if one knows more about what is happening in the body, the heart, the psyche and the brain. Ginette Paris, a gardener of the soul, walks us through the brambles and briars of the trauma of loss, not with weed-it-out advice, but with a deep psychological understanding of the necessity of mourning, and of being pierced, as only a heart can be. Paris' style is to educate the soul and activate the imagination so that we too become more conscious gardeners of the soul.
Lori Pye, PhD., President
Viridis Graduate Institute
ww.viridisedu.org
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Passionate and honest. To be slowly read and re-read.
By Thomas R. Lyon, MFT
This lovely book is one of those works you wish you had read before experiencing heartbreak, yet realizing that you most likely would not have understood the full depth of it until having the experience of your own heartbreak. Those deeper threads of your life that you believed you had neatly woven together can suddenly come apart. For most of us, it is not a question of IF you will experience heart break, but WHEN. And it has no gender or age boundaries. It happens to everyone. Should you say to yourself, “well, I don’t need this book right now will and will pick it up when it happens or happens to me again,” it is already too late. It is like saying “I’ll just buy candles or a flashlight when all the power goes off at night in the house during a sudden storm.” As you grope your way in the dark (perhaps cursing it) you’ll wish you had that emergency source of light available.
As you read Heartbreak, Dr. Ginette Paris is speaking as if in the chair across from you, looking into your eyes, seeing and knowing your heartbreak. Subtly In the background of what she writes is a deep appreciation of developmental psychology and its re-emergence as a rich tool for understanding what will contribute to getting the beauty of life pulsating in one’s life again in adult form. She weaves into this important work not only depth psychotherapy but also new developments in neuroscience showing the intimate complementarity expanding between them in service of this most universal human experience. She is an experienced depth psychotherapist which has been her heart’s work for most of her adult life. Like many of us, she too is a wounded healer. But make no mistake. This is not a syrupy self-help type of book with a “Pollyana” ending. She will accompany you on each page as you get your footing again, and are able to stand, albeit with a new realization, and with your head held high with a new sense of self.
Heartbreak is necessary and vital for every human being, as painful as it is. It’s instinctual and you really haven’t lived the fullness of life at all until experiencing heartache. Heartbreak is the spouse of love. As Dr. Paris writes, “knowing that one has loved, and has been loved, is a reward of live well lived, the real gold, the alchemical opus.” Warning . . . keep a handkerchief handy! As Dr. Paris has also shared, “crying is good! It opens the doors of perception.”
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Move On or Die
By Ebienic
Heartbreak is common occurrence, a shared experience as part of the human condition. The thing is, when we experience it, we are sure that we are the only one, or at least we are the worst example of it. We are not of course, and the way your brain processes this type of loss can greatly affect future relationships. How do we move past our greatest traumas, and not only survive but thrive?
I am a social worker, and deal with clients who experience grief, loss, heartbreak and trauma. I LOVED this text, and at certain points - particularly when talking about “Big Mommy” and staying in an infantile state rather than moving past your grief - made me quite literally applaud. I think that while academic, this is written in an easily accessible, conversational style that anyone can understand. Indeed, I think it is quite critical for those of us in the helping professions read this because I have noticed that we are increasingly dealing with an anxious, coddled, and overwrot society who cannot seem to move past a victimized state. While acknowledging the importance of neuroscience and medicine, Paris rightly points out that we must bring in metaphor and and your personal GPS from a more humanities angle in order to place ourselves and therefore move from the state we are wallowing in. I think that we can all benefit from this clear and concise information and implement it for a variety of heartbreaking events, both as counselors and as run of the mill, heartbroke humans. Nice work.
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